I need someone to listen to me.
I’m tired of not being HEARD. ; I have this voice, right.? I’ve been using but apparently no one is really ever listening or hearing me. Maybe, I’ve been asking for too much. It’s not like I’m doing one of the hardest things, I’ve ever had to do in life. Oh, I chose this lifestyle right.? That means, it should be easier cause’ I chose it , right.? Oh, I’m so strong. I can handle anything, right.? That must mean, I don’t need anyone to talk to ; or listen to me. Or that I can’t have a breakdown every now & then.
I must of forgotten. I apologize.
I haven’t been to church in like a year. I really need to get to that place & let my soul feel something positive. this military life is something stressful, I tell you. I really wish I could fly to California or Atlanta, or something & go to church. I love Dr. Stanley & I definitely miss Rev. Starr ; I need some soul healing word, something to let me know the Lord is still here, although I know he is. & he’s never left me… it’s just good to hear. I have to find a good church at my next duty section. It’s imperative, especially being a wife, it’s going to be VERY stressful. I know I have an amazing support group; but things are so different now. especially, being like so close to being married. I don’t really know who I can confide in now besides him. I need more positive people. I hope my next duty station has better people than this place, that I’m at right now. because, I feel like I’m going to kill someone here.!
so, this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else … but it’s a big deal to me. ;
this weekend is, well was my duty weekend. & I am SUPER. which means, that I have to fill in for anyone who doesn’t show up for they’re watch. so, Friday everything went well ; people showed up to their watches. Saturday night at about 3 am, the messenger is banging on my door to tell me that I have to get dressed for watch because, someone didn’t show up. so, I’m pissed. but then the girl shows up, & I get to go back to sleep, upset cause’ I was woken up out of my sleep but I get to go back to sleep . so, it’s not that bad. then today at 1545 the duty section leader comes to my room to tell me to get dressed for quarterdeck watch ; from 18-20. because, the quarterdeck watch can’t do it. FML! so, I have to do colors & shit … & I’m stressing out . because, I don’t want to fucking do this. & I don’t have my dress whites because they’re in the cleaners & I fucked up my about face … & my freaking boyfriend doesn’t understand what the fuck I’m trying to tell him , so I just stop talking . FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucking hate Delta Barracks! Oh, & btw, I have PT at 0445. I guess, the military is about being flexible.! Hooyah, getting paid to pick up other people’s slack!!!! one team one fight right.? psh.
I used to have so much to say…
& lately , I am at a loss for words. People think that since, I’ve joined the military, I’d have so much to talk about. ; but it’s not fun to talk about military things with people who aren’t in the military. cause’ they don’t understand ; & then, I feel retarded cause’ they’re like WTF are you talking about.
people I used to chill with are still talking about how they’re boyfriends are being retarded or how they almost jumped on this girl & I’m trying to learn how to make a bomb & a disassemble a 9mm. sigh ; life is so different now, I’m trying to find that medium between the two.
I kind of miss being a civilian, but then again… I don’t.
I keep trying to be this different person , but these barracks are making me worse. I think ; sigh.
I just stay to myself … & try not to blow some shit up :)
so, I danced for about 9 years. & I absolutely love ballets & what not , right.? so, while I’m in the tattoo parlor & I happen to run into these women putting up posters for they’re ballet ; Dracula at that. so, I talk to them about volunteering for it because, it’s on my duty weekend. so, we exchange numbers.
I get back to my barracks & ask the volunteer petty officer & he says, “no, because, it’s going to take bodies away from the duty section” -____-
sigh, I was really looking forward to that too, I’m like you guys got for 5 years ; you can’t give me a day.? thanks Uncle Sam.
I cannot sleep tonight . I’m not sure, if I’m getting back to my sleeping patterns, prior to being in the military or if I’m just restless because, I’ve actually been able to sleep in for two days :)
Hooyah non-duty days!
they keep calling fire rover over the 1MC & I’m accustomed to listening to what they’re saying because it may be important ; that I go into alert mode each time it is called. I can’t wait to lay in a bed again, my bed, his bed ; a bed other than this one . a familiar bed. don’t get me wrong ; I’m grateful to have a bed & not a rack again. I’m rambling, I’ve been listening to Frank Ocean ALL day, maybe tomorrow will be different ; I may get out & do some shit but probably not cause’ I have watch Tuesday from 0800-1600. & that’s room inspect day. so, I’ll probably clean my ass off tomorrow :)
since, I won’t be here for it, hope I get classed up soon ; need to PT. not looking forward to PT’ing w the marines ; love them though, they’re chillAF.
but it’s ALL about that bomb ass gold&blue. !!!
; random thoughts …
being in the military has taught me to appreciate the little things, like those hugs you get from people, cause’ your not really sure when you’ll see them again. taking long showers ALONE. ; appreciating those around you. I’m now part of something so much bigger than myself, i’m responsible for not only my life but the lives of others, not like if I were to become a mother. but if something goes wrong, I’d have to give my condolences to someone’s mother for the loss of their child. sometimes, I take this lifestyle for granted; & I complain a lot but I respect those who’ve gone before me & those trying to teach me how to truly become a sailor ; well, an airman :) but you get the drift.
I feel like, I’m probably rambling right now. which, means I probably am. I love my life ; I am truly happy right now. I am at peace with a lot of things. I am proud of who I am. I’m not sure, how many people can say that , but I am truly proud of myself. I defied the odds. <3
I need to start writing again , i miss writing . I can’t seem to find anything to write about though & people think that since, my entire life just changed. I would have more to write about but honestly, I think I’m still trying to catch up with everything that has just happened over the past three months & is still happening.
everything is so different ; I kind of miss my old life, well the simplicity of it . but I wouldn’t trade what I am doing right now for anything… well, maybe a record deal :) or a modeling contract, or even a publishing contract; I’ll just have to accomplish those things, when my contract is up. I do love my life though, everything is falling into place ; I have an amazing support group ; I couldn’t be happier.
hope to sharing things with you all ;